blast from the past

February 3, 2009 - Tuesday 

Brokenhearted Girl. Current mood:  apathetic Category: Life So today sucked. Plain and simple right? Well, not so much. I was still stressing over some information I found out last week that really hurts me, or could in the end. Then I woke up to some news not everyone would want to! Actually, I'm pretty sure no one would. So I've been in a funk all day, except for the part when I learned to perform, calibrate, and record an electromyography (EMG)! =).  Instead of blowing up at the people I was upset with, I got home from school and just tried to calm down. The only thing that worked was calling and talking to my mom. Mothers really do know what to do and say in almost EVERY situation to help!! She helped me to see and understand the other people's situations, but I was still hurt and upset.  After watching the usual Monday night shows on T.V, I found that I started doubting myself and the things I've done to get me where I am today. I've never had a "best friend", but I've been pretty lucky to still have people backing me up, even if they're family! But I wonder if I could've made better decisions or just gone out more. Could I have gone to a different school, said different things, reacted to certain situations differently ...anything. But then I started thinking that you can't live your life wondering about the "what ifs"... and then it hit me...HARD! I've been through a LOT in my life. I've overcome so much and I've done my share of struggling, to those who doubt that. I've dealt with my share of "bullying" as a kid, not having every luxury most kids I knew had, some family issues for a while there, ... but that was just the beginning. I lost my grandmother to cancer, and I miss her every day of my life! I had a terrifying accident at the age of 16 that traumatized me, and continues to do so to this very day. I've gone through the realization that I killed my little brother, looking at him and knowing I would never see him laugh, succeed, cry, fail ... anything ever again. I won't get into the full details. But by the mere will of God, he saved both me and my brother.  It wasn't our time to go just yet. To this day, I still blame myself for putting someone I love so much in so much pain and misery.  I've been in and out of depressions, but I've held strong and tried to be there for him instead of feeling sorry for myself for doing it to him. Although , logically, I know there was nothing I could do to avoid it, I still blame myself and know I hurt him. I hurt everyone that loved him and me...put them through hell and back. I will NEVER forgive myself for that. Ever. I truly think I may have some neurological problems due to it. I just can't shake it. And I fear I will never do so, which may in itself be a good thing?? I'll never know. After that, I had a falling out with my family, and that hurt me to the core. Even though it was over something stupid, I know I hurt them. And sometimes I think maybe it was the wrong decision on my part. But, I don't regret it. I've been through my share of the asshole boyfriends that have pulled me apart, ripped my heart out, sewed it back up, only to shove it in a blender to beat to a pulp. I've been through the stress of helping those that I love pull through their hardships and become better for it, because that's who I am. I'm STILL dealing with a heart problem, although no one seems to know what it really is! I've gone through homesickness and living on my own in a new, HUGE city. And much more... But even through all of that, I have come out on top (so far.) I don't know how I make it some days, like today. But then I sit back and think about everything I have and am blessed to have. I have an AMAZING family that is always behind me, whether I'm making bad decisions or good. I have always had a home and someone to love me, food on the table, and a bed to sleep on. There are so many people in this world that are far better off than me, but there are so many that are far worse than I am. My heart goes out to them, and I pray their lives improve, even in the slightest way. I am closer to my family than EVER! I have an amazing boyfriend that helps me see things aren't so bad all the time. Even if we don't end up together through it all, just knowing him and having been together has changed my life for the better! Everything I've been through has been a test, and I'm never faced with anything I can't handle, except for my ONE exception of course. I still can't handle it to this day...and it's been 4 years! Other than that, I try my hardest to pull through all the struggles life throws at me. Everyone has their problems. But everyone also needs to just break down sometimes and have a good cry session! Whenever I'm feeling this way, I just pull up this song on my itunes and blare it repeatedly for about an hour! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HE0ffqIwOo&feature=related It's such a great song of inspiration and hope. And to help you know that you are not alone in this world of anger, disappointment, hurt, and death. There is always someone that is hurting a bit more than you. At least more than me anyway. Just take a look at it and let it help you improve your outlook on your life and just the way things are.  Although it seems more Christian-oriented, it is still just as impressive to those that aren't religious! The video is really amazing too! Just watch it and you'll know what I mean. I have my ups and downs, but everyone does. Today was just a ... typical monday!

Going through my myspace blog, this is the one entry that caught my eye.  Going back and reading it, I still find myself tearing up.  I posted this on February 3, 2009...over a year ago.  In simply a year, your life can change in so many ways!  Take mine, for example.  The part about never being able to forgive myself for my accident...WRONG.  After going through some counseling sessions and some meds and just the realization of reality, I know that what happened was not my fault.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and that accident is proof.  Has it affected me? Yes.  For the better? Yes.  I still re-live that day ... but afterwards, I calm down and thank God for putting His guiding hand upon my family and saving me and Josh.  I usually re-live it on the anniversary date, March 11, 2005.  But this year, I didn't.  Want to know why?? :)  For one, I had 3 major exams that day so I was distracted.  But I believe another reason it didn't hit me as hard this year is because I've come to terms with it.  There's nothing wrong with me.  I experienced a traumatic event and it took me a while to cope with that, but I'm a better and stronger person because of it.  Also, things in my life are looking up.  I'm looking to the positive aspects of my life and I'm just a lot happier these days.  I will never forget that day, but it most definitely won't affect me the same way it has in the past.

I'm also focusing on myself a lot more these days.  Taking care of myself and doing the things I need to get done so that I can have an amazing future ahead of me is of great importance to me these days.  If someone has a problem with something I'm doing or anything like that, I hope they feel free to question me about it, but I will have no problem explaining to them what they want to know and sticking to my guns.  I am who I am, and if you don't like it, oh well! :)

Just having read that blog entry from last year, I also smiled, because I know that I've come a long way in only a year, and that excites me to know that things can get even better yet by the time the next year rolls along.  In the words of my mother, "Life is a journey, and it's scary, but it's all worth it in the end."  Or something like that! :)  I do still truly believe that mothers know exactly what to say in almost every situation...that hasn't changed a bit!  And my family is still very supportive of me, as I know they always will be!! 


P.S. That song still gets me through some pretty tough days! It's quite inspiring if you take the time to listen to the message. :)  And I just realized that link no longer works, but the song is Forgive Me by Group 1 Crew!