Letting Go

Letting go is a hard but necessary part of life. It's healthy. The absolute hardest part of this process for me is actually realizing when it's time to let go, whether it be of a situation, a feeling I'm having, friendships, material things ... I struggle in recognizing the when. 

Letting go is an art form and a process. It doesn't happen overnight. In fact, it looms over me and makes me constantly think about the particular situation for days and days, sometimes weeks and months! Confession: I struggle with letting go. Of anything. Story of my life! 
However, I've noticed recently that I'm finding it easier and easier to truly let go of things, people, situations that aren't good for me. It's not healthy to cling on to something or someone forever when in reality, you need to move past it. So I guess you could say I'm getting healthier :). 
A big part of my progress in this area is my faith. Becoming closer with God has allowed me to truly and realistically give it all to Him. This means it's taken care of. Whatever 'it' is, God's got a handle on it. Now, I've known this forever, but as with anything these days, it's way easier said than done. However, I'm really making strides in acting on it, and I feel amazing! 

I have a post-it note on my computer monitor that reads: 
"Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best. Let go and let God." 
It's true! Putting this into action each and every day has helped me tremendously! I no longer fret over losing a friendship that I know isn't healthy anymore or getting rid of those clothes I'm never going to wear again. Like I said, it relates to every.single.aspect.of.my.life. For real. 
I'm not saying that I've perfected the act of letting go, but I've definitely come a long way. With that, though, I've still got a long way to go. But I'm proud of the progress I've made and where I am currently. I'm happier because of it. My husband is happier because of it. I stress less. I'm more calm in situations I have no control over. I'm learning to let go. And it's amazing. 
The really amazing part is when other people notice my overall happiness and the way I deal with something that usually would set me off. Case in point: very recently, Colten discovered his wedding ring was missing. Normally, I would absolutely lose it {and for a second or two, I did...}; I mean, it's your WEDDING RING! But, I calmly helped him look for it, at least until he came to realization that the last time he had it was at work. Ultimately, he concluded that he accidentally threw it away when he took his gloves off at work. {This would've been the time that the old me would've stormed off and yelled something not so nice}. Instead, I took a deep breath and gave him a hug. He was beside himself with losing it, and it was unbelievably obvious how hurt he was. Me blowing up at him wasn't going to help the situation. Instead, I let go of the anger I felt and told him that I loved him. Yes, he'll never have the ring I gave him when we were married. But does that change the fact that we're married or that we love each other?! Absolutely not. A ring is replaceable - especially if it's not something that's been passed down or anything. And the awesome thing is that I remember exactly where I got it from, and they still have the exact same ring, on sale. So, we will replace it and move on with our lives. He still loves me. He didn't do it on purpose. It was a mistake, and we all make mistakes. Who am I to judge him?! I took a deep breath, didn't obsess over the situation, and I let go. And oh how amazing it felt to not be completely caught up in my feelings of hurt and anger.  Letting go is good. 

How do you 'let go'? Do you struggle with it?

#Determination

I have joined over 40,000 other women in the current Online Bible Study, Made to Crave. It is a six-week journey via Proverbs 31 Ministries in which you devote time and energy to studying about God, deepening your faith, and quite possibly changing your life. Head over to Proverbs 31 to find out more. It's also not too late to sign up, if you're interested. 
LINKING UP FOR WEEK 2'S BLOG HOP.  This study is all about satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food. I turn to food on so many occasions, it's pretty much ridiculous. I'll almost never turn down food when it's offered {unless it's spicy and/or contains cilantro}. I'm an emotional eater, but along with 40,000+ other women, I'm determined to crave God instead of food. 
This week, we're talking determination. 

de·ter·mi·na·tion

diˌtərməˈnāSHən/

noun

firmness of purpose; resoluteness.

Honestly, the word of the week could not be more fitting for me, personally. It was a tough week all around.
I haven't been doing too well with this study. There, I said it. I've found that it's been difficult to keep up with, but mostly because there is so much else going on, and the time that I want to devote to it just isn't there. There's always something else to do or that needs to be done. But I'm not letting that get me down. I'm determined to break free from the cycle I've created for myself and not only catch up on this study, but spend the necessary time to relish in what I'm reading. #determination
Part of my difficulty with the study was that I was reading the wrong book. Epic fail, y'all. See, the author, Lysa Terkeurst, also wrote a version of Made to Crave, minus the food aspect and is geared specifically toward young women. I wasn't understanding how the material that I was receiving in my email wasn't adding up to what I was reading. But seeing that I was already struggling with keeping up, I didn't pay any mind to it. Well, this week, I've been determined to catch up and truly devote time and energy to the study, as I knew it could change my life. By finally doing so, I realized I had the wrong version of the book {the cover art is exactly the same!}. I was defeated and had a huge moment of weakness. My determination was gone. I was ready to throw in the towel and just forget about the whole thing - I was behind anyway, what would it matter? It mattered. I was uplifted by several people to not be discouraged or allow Satan to take over. Several people from the study itself offered to purchase the book online and have it shipped directly to me. Y'all, the generosity hit my heart like a ton of bricks! I also looked into purchasing the book in store, as I wanted to get back on the wagon as soon as possible! It was in stock at Barnes & Noble, but it was $16.99. I couldn't justify paying that {again} for the book. So, just for fun, I looked to see if the Family Christian Store had a copy. Not only did they have a copy, it was on sale! On my lunch break, I headed over to pick up my copy and finally get back on track. I purchased the book for $8.11. Is God good or what?! I was determined to fight against the odds and not break the bank. #determination
Determination also played a key role in other areas of my life this week, not only with this study. I have several other commitments that I've been giving excuses for not keeping up with, but this week, I've been determined to change that. I'm OVERRULING my excuses. No more, "I'll do it tomorrow." No more, "It doesn't matter when it gets done." No more. #determination 

I'm also determined to be more organized in my life - to really use my planner and feel more at peace that I know what all is going on and when things need to be done. Working two jobs, plus overtime has really spread me thin, so being organized is truly going to help every single day. #determination
As always, Colten has been so unbelievably amazing through all of my long nights, tired fights, and all around lack of energy to do anything but eat and sleep. I'm determined to not only manage my work schedule better {B12 is my hero}, but to also make time for my husband. Whether he needs me to just help around the house more or to listen to how his day went, I'm determined to be there for him and be a better wife. #determination
I'm also really trying to focus on myself. As important as it is to be there as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, it's more important to not lose myself in the process. I'm determined to take the time I need to make myself better mentally, physically, and spiritually. If I need to recharge, I'll do it and not feel guilty for taking that time for myself. That doesn't mean I have to neglect my loved ones, but I can do both, and I will. :) #determination
Most importantly, I'm determined to deepen my faith and better my relationship with the Lord. I've steadily gotten better at studying Scripture and attending mass on Sundays, but I know there is much more that I can and will do. God has great plans for me, and I plan to live according to His will, wherever the path may lead. #determination
What are you determined to do? 

A Raging Battle

I have joined over 40,000 other women in the current Online Bible Study, Made to Crave. It is a six-week journey via Proverbs 31 Ministries in which you devote time and energy to studying about God, deepening your faith, and quite possibly changing your life. Head over to Proverbs 31 to find out more. It's also not too late to sign up, if you're interested. 
LINKING UP FOR WEEK 1'S BLOG HOP. 
Food isn't the only thing that tempts to destroy our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  What other things do you currently crave more than God?
To answer this question, I really want to take a look at the definition of crave. 

crave

krāv/

verb

1. 1.

   feel a powerful desire for (something).

2. synonyms:

   long for, yearn for, desire, want, wish for, hunger for, thirst for, sigh for,pine for, hanker after, covet, lust after, ache for, set one's heart on,dream of, be bent on,  itch for,be dying for

A powerful desire. To long for, desire, hunger for, covet, lust, be dying for. Could there be a more powerful word out there? Wow! 
This question makes me sad. Yes, sad. Why? Because currently, the answer is a long list of things. Things like craving an hour at the end of the day to watch a television show, those girl scout cookies my boss keeps offering, a day off from job #2, my husband to finish school, that cute pair of shoes and a new scarf, completing a Pinterest project for once in my life, a clean house, a magic cure for the unlimited piles of laundry sitting in our house, more time in a day... this list goes on and on. Sadly.  
When I'm lonely, I crave my husband, family time, and friends.  When I'm angry, I crave space and bitterness.  When I'm frustrated, I crave miracles and answers.  When I'm tired, I crave sleep.  When I'm happy, I crave unending time for the happiness to last. 

Now, let's go back to the definition of CRAVE. How amazing would it be to truly crave God in each of those moments? Instead of lusting after material things that don't matter, crave God. Desire, yearn for, be dying for, ache for GOD.
Just those two words: Crave God. Think about that. I've been focusing on those two little words all week long, and it's been a great start to this study! 

Our word this week is EMPOWERED.  I feel empowered to make it through this study, and truly be committed to it.  I'm empowered to make a lifestyle change, and truly strive to crave God more than material things that will never last.  I'm empowered to share my story.  I'm empowered to not let others' opinions and thoughts of me get the best of me. The best is for my Savior and Creator. The best is in His hands. 

My soul yearns, even faints,

    for the courts of the Lord;

my heart and my flesh cry out

    for the living God.

PSALM 84:2

Mandisa's song Overcomer is our theme song for this study, and it's a powerful one! I'm empowered to be an overcomer and begin to crave God in my life. In the good times and bad, Crave God. 
It's a raging battle, to continually fight against worldly cravings. But it's a battle that I will not stop fighting. It's a battle that I am fighting, along with the other 40,000+ women in this study. It's a battle that is worth fighting for. Will you fight? 

What do you crave? 

Like Living

Yes, it's January 13th and we still have our Christmas decorations up. And we're darn proud of it! Okay, maybe not 'proud'... but I ain't mad! I may or may not be that person that leaves the Christmas decor up until Valentine's Day {I only hope I'm kidding here...but you never know what life will throw our way between now and then!}. I had every intention of de-decorating this past weekend, but that just didn't happen. I had more important things to do. 

Like working 8 hours on Saturday. 
Like visiting a friend in the hospital {he's doing GREAT!}. 
Like spending time with my husband. 
Like spending time with God and praising His works. 
Like reading for fun. Whoa. 
Like giving Ace some quality time. 
Like preparing for another super busy week. 
Like sleeping. 
Like working on our financials. 
Like enjoying some me time. 
Like laughing uncontrollably at something crazy my husband did. 
Like appreciating the gorgeous 60 degree weather. 
Like catching up on some Pretty Little Liars and Ravenswood. 
Like indulging in some spinach dip. 
Like grocery shopping. 
Like arguing with my husband. 
Like praying. 
Like being deliriously silly from lack of sleep. 
Like falling asleep to some MercyMe. 
Like living. 

Who cares if my Christmas stuff is still up? The Christmas season only just ended yesterday, as we celebrated Jesus's baptism in the Jordan. I honestly loved walking into church and seeing the Christmas trees and poinsettias still up everywhere. My heart was overjoyed, and I enjoyed the services that much more, singing Hark! The Harold Angels Sing and Angels We Have Heard on High. 
My tree will be up this week as well, seeing as I'll be working nonstop and tending to other things. This weekend may allow time for tree removal, but if it's not, I'm okay with that. I'd much rather be doing the little things that make me happy. 

I Look to You

Some days are harder than others. The memories come flooding back of happier days and loved ones that are no longer present with us on earth. Nothing goes the way you want or plan. You're late to work. You wake up late. You get frustrated and angry over the littlest things. Your finances are out of control. The car has a flat. You don't want to talk it out to anyone. No one could understand. You're hurt. You're angry. You're grieving. You're sad. You just aren't happy. You're trudging through the day, and it's rough. Some days, there's no answer to why you're having a 'bad day'. You just are. Things just aren't right. Nothing you do seems to be right. You can't lose that weight. You can't finish what you started. And those failures? They're daunting! They stare you in the face and they're always there. You didn't meet your goal. You weren't even close. You were almost there. It doesn't matter - you failed. Your co-workers are grinding on your nerves. Your friends are no where to be found. You feel alone. Lost. Scared.
Everyone experiences hardship and pain. It's a natural part of life. I've had my share of downs in this life, and I'm a stronger person because of it. I've learned {the hard way I think} that what makes you a better person is how you react to the troubles of life. Am I going to drown in my sorrow and feel sorry for myself day in and day out? Who cares anyway? Am I going to allow my unhappiness to get the better of me and bring me down further? 
Today, the answer is no. Let me just say that again: NO. Man, that feels good! There was a day {or two, or ten...who's counting?} that I would've said yes. That it didn't matter how I reacted - I could feel sorry for myself if that's what I truly wanted. Of course I had family and friends that did care about me {and still do...love y'all!}, but there's only so much someone else can do for you. After all, they have their own struggles to sort through and figure out. And on those days, I was truly miserable. I didn't want to do anything but lay in bed and watch TV. Those fictional characters were my way to ignore the pain and the hurt in my own life.
So, what do you do when there's no one there and you refuse to drown in sadness and pain? 
I turn to God. 
My faith has been blossoming over this past year or so, and I couldn't be happier! I know that I have a way to go, but I'm on the right track, and that's what matters most! 

Now, when I'm having a not-so-good day, I remind myself that I am unbelievably blessed. I have a healthy marriage with my best friend; I have the most amazing family who always supports me and gets closer and stronger every day; we can afford to pay our expenses; I not only have one job, I have two. The list seriously goes on and on. God has truly blessed me with so much, and I know that I am undeserving, but I'm unbelievably thankful. 
And today, when I feel defeated and lost, I look to God. I look to Him for support, encouragement, motivation, and healing. He has a plan for my life, and I look to Him for guidance through the dark moments along the way. 
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  -John 16:33 
God didn't promise us that life would be easy, but he promised that our suffering would pale in comparison to what He has in store for His followers. 
And then I came across a song: I Look to You by Selah. 

It speaks straight to my heart, and I just wanted to share :). I'm striving to truly let go and let God. He has all of the answers, and that truly makes my heart soar. 

{Pops}

He's gone.  He's really gone.  And it hurts. 

My grandpa was one of the strongest men I've ever known, and I truly know where my dad gets his strength - no question.  And these last 10+ months have been hard.  Let's face it, the last two years have been hard when it comes to my grandpa.  Two years ago on November 7th, my grandmother passed away tragically.  Now, I won't get into that again since I've already discussed it...read more here.  My cousin said it beautifully recently at my grandfather's funeral.  When Granny passed away, a huge part of Pops died along with her.  Who were any of us to blame him? He had just lost the love of his life and soulmate. They had been married almost 60 years! They lived on a farm and took care of cows, chickens, baled hay, and loved it all.  Now, remove a huge piece of that - your partner through it all - and what do you have left?  Heartache.  That's what.  Although the shock really hit me, I can't even begin to imagine what my grandfather felt and went through in the short time he lived without her.  I tear up every single time I think about it. He witnessed her death. He was reminded of her every single day living in their house, with all of her trinkets and pictures everywhere...

Following the death of my grandmother, he repeatedly told everyone over and over that 'he was going to the wedding on Saturday, but after that, 'he just didn't know.' The wedding. My wedding. Although it would break his heart to experience this occasion without his bride, he knew how much it would mean to me, his granddaughter, and my future husband to attend our wedding. And he did so, without hesitation and without question. My cousin captured this picture beautifully, and I will treasure it forever.

He lived in their house for many months after her passing and loved his dog, Max, to the moon and back.  The smile that the dog put on his face will be one that I will never forget.  And then, before I knew it, he was admitted to the nursing home.  At first, it was only to recover from a fall he had taken a few days prior, but he never did.  Before I knew it, the nursing home was his 'home', and that's where I would go to visit him for the next nine months. 

My grandfather was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer this year, and the man never smoked a day in his life (that I'm aware of). 19 years ago, he was diagnosed with and beat prostate cancer.  This time was much, much different. Through all of the doctors and tests and tears, these past 9 months have been a rollercoaster, to say the least. And I only experienced it as a granddaughter. I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like to go through all of that with a parent or spouse, and just thinking about it absolutely breaks my heart.  My dad was so amazing through the ups and downs with his father after losing his mom, and again I am reminded at just how amazing of a man he really is - not only as a father to me and my siblings, but as a spouse, sibling, and son. 

Knowing what was going on with Pops, I took advantage of every free weekend that I had. Did it take a toll on our financials? Absolutely. Did it put a strain on my marriage? You betcha! But my amazing husband understood what I was going through - and if he didn't, he supported me and knew that I needed to be at my grandfather's side, visiting him and showing him that I cared and loved him every chance that I could. That made for many, many trips home, all during the summer working overtime and already being stressed out. Needless to say, my anxiety was through the roof! But, I am blessed to be strong in my faith and to have an amazing family that pulls together in difficult times, as well as such great friends!

But with that being said, death really is a rollercoaster! I lost count of just how many times I prepared myself for my grandfather's passing. It's utterly exhausting, both physically and emotionally. But in those moments, I chose not to be selfish. After preparing my mind, heart, and soul to lose him when things were looking bleak, God was not ready for him just yet, and then a few more weeks went by with him seemingly improving.  Then, I fell into complacency yet again, into a routine of visiting my grandpa as I had over the years when I'd go home to visit my parents.  This happened time and time again, but I refused to allow myself to be selfish and hope for it all to just be over. I wanted the suffering to end for Pops, yes. But was I ready for him to really be gone? Definitely not. I just kept showing up - no matter what was happening, whether it was a good day or not, I would be there as often as I could living two hours away. And I cherished every minute I had with him, even if no words were exchanged. The smile on his face when I'd walk in was more than enough to let me know just how much he appreciated the time and effort I put into being sure I was there for him as much as possible. I knew I couldn't do much to help him, to ease his pain, but if sitting with him for a few hours, talking with him, or playing cards and dominoes with him helped in any way, I am happy to have eased his burden, even if only a small amount.  I will live the rest of my days with no regrets in regard to Pops; I saw him as much as possible. I visited every chance I could. I chose him over so many other things that were going on in my life (spending time with my husband, friends, sleep, and other commitments). My response to everyone else in my life was that I was going home that weekend to visit with my parents and grandfather. And they accepted it because they know me. They knew how important it was for me to be there when I could.  For that, I am forever grateful!

So, for months and months, that's what I did. I showed up. If he was back at home in the nursing home, I made the trip to visit. If he was here in town at the E.R., I went straight after work to just sit there. And although I couldn't be with him, as only one person was allowed back with him at a time, I showed up for my family. Whether my dad needed someone to talk to, or my aunt needed someone to walk around with to take a break - whatever was needed, I was more than willing to spend my evening in the waiting room with them to be of whatever help I could. And, it was my grandfather, whom I've been close with since before I can remember! I wanted and needed to be there, for myself too.  I just hope and pray that I didn't overstay my welcome in those moments; I know that there were so many dark days that my grandfather and his children needed to be together and to make difficult decisions - and sometimes having anyone else there is the last thing they'd want...I just pray that I didn't burden any of those days or decisions in any way, and in my heart, I know I didn't.  That's just who I am - I show up. Even if it's just to sit with a loved one or to take care of some chores around the house because they just emotionally aren't up for it - whatever the case may be, I show up.  But in all of those moments that I chose to show up for my family, and especially Pops, I don't regret a single one. I am thankful that I was able to be there as much as I was, and those are memories that will last me a lifetime! 

Pops lost his battle with cancer on August 7, 2013.  I remember that day like it was yesterday, even though it was three months ago. I can't believe he's already been gone that long! Pops was given 2 weeks to live by hospice, and he was determined to beat that timeline. He was so sure that he was going to live longer than what they said he had, and he did.  By three hours. It was one more way, after he was gone, that he put a smile on my face. Although he was no longer with us, he was his normal, stubborn self, up until the very end. He lived 2 weeks and three hours from the date he was given only 2 weeks. For that, I am eternally grateful. I needed that joy in those dark moments of grief, and to this day, it makes me smile.  He passed away peacefully in his sleep after receiving some pain medication only minutes before.  And now, he is no longer suffering.  No more tests.  No more doctors.  No more nurses.  No more pain.  And knowing those things right there is what makes it easier for me to accept and begin healing from his loss.  He is happily in Heaven with his wife, dancing away, pain free!  How joyous a thought!  Colten and I drove to my hometown that afternoon and spent time with family. The rosary was beautiful, and it was amazing to really see and feel the support of family and friends that made the trip to pay their respects. And to them, I want to say thank you.  Again.  It truly means the world to me to know that people love on my family and that my grandfather had touched the hearts of so many people during his days on earth. The funeral the next day was an amazing service.  I agreed to do one of the readings, and I was nervous! Although I had done it less than two years ago at my grandma's funeral, for some reason the nerves got to me this time. But, I stumbled through it and am so glad that I did it. And then it came time for the grandchildren to say a few words about our cherished grandfather. My cousin had me in tears before it was my turn to speak, and he had pretty much covered everything.  But I told myself I would say something and that I wanted to honor Pops as I had with Granny.  So, with eyes stinging with tears and my hands shaking, I told everyone in attendance that my love for him was ever so deep, and that no matter what was going on in any of our lives, my grandparents never judged us. They were never disappointed by anything I had ever done and were always happy to see me and hear about what was going on in my life.  We laid my grandfather to rest to the sounds of the 21 gun salute and taps being played in the distance. It was the first military funeral I had witnessed, and it was beautiful. He is finally at peace with his love and his Creator.

Pops,

I am so unbelievably saddened by your loss but am thankful you are no longer suffering. I am proud to be your stubborn granddaughter and to have laughed, loved, and cried right along with you throughout the years. Your love for your family and your faith have been carried on and live in me. Thank you for showing your love and support through anything and everything I did, from sports and school, to my wedding day and the sacredness of marriage that I now share with my husband. I have a lifetime of memories that I will cherish forever. I can still hear your laugh, and I know that you are laughing in Heaven alongside your bride and Creator, no longer brokenhearted or in pain. I will miss you every day of my life and look forward to the day I will see you again.  I love you.

Always, and forever. 

Bri

Today, it is painful to drive past his house and know that neither him nor my grandmother will ever be looking out of the kitchen window to see what's going on, to know that I will never sit down to an amazing home cooked meal in their kitchen, by their hands. Today, I miss the joy and laughter that both of them brought to my life. Today, I am having difficulty accepting that I've experienced the first Grandparents Day that I did not have any living grandparents to celebrate with. Today, and every day, my heart hurts.  But every day is easier. Time truly does heal, and one day, the raw pain of losing him will be gone, and I will only feel joy and love of remembering him.

One day.

But until then, it hurts. 

 

This will be the first holiday season without any of my grandparents, and I know it's going to be hard, to say the least. It's going to be tough to be in his house and him not be there. All of the memories of my childhood, visiting that house, spending summers helping him and my grandma on the farm, picking eggs from the chicken coop, watching him put out hay, checking cows...they're endless. I know he is in a much better place now, without pain, but this is going to be one tough holiday season! I'm requesting prayers and comfort for me and my family during this time, as we take life a day at a time without our loved one and try to celebrate the joy of this holiday season.  He's gone, but he will never be forgotten!

Marriage: {Two Years}

Two years ago today, I said 'I do' to my best friend. Two years ago today, my life changed forever. Two years ago today, I entered into married bliss...and I'm even more in love than ever! 
Over the past two years, my life is more enriched with love and happiness than I could have ever imagined. Is every day a breeze? Definitely not! Are there days where I just completely fall apart and disagree with everything my husband says? You bet! But is it worth it to work together, learn from each other, and live life every single day with my husband by my side? Absolutely. 
Marriage isn't easy. And I don't think there is a married couple out there, no matter how long they've been married, that would tell you otherwise! It's work. A lot of work - by both individuals. But it's so completely worth it. The bad days are nothing in comparison with the good days. I'm unbelievably blessed to experience this life journey with my best friend. He makes me laugh, knows exactly how to make me feel better when I'm stressing over something stupid or just had a rough day, and loves me unconditionally every single day of his life. I have never experienced a love like ours, and I can't even put it into words! We laugh together, cry together, and love together. Even the most random, common thing can put a smile on my face when I'm spending time with my husband. We're meant to be together, through all of life's trials and tribulations, we will be successful because we know love and have a healthy marriage. We work at it together. 
People keep asking me if it's felt like we've been married for two years already, and the answer to that is, 'no'. The saying holds true, "Time flies when you're having fun!" These past two years have held a lot for us, and it's been two long years of learning. Learning what makes the other 'tick'. Learning what it takes to truly make each other feel loved. Learning that life isn't full of flowers and rainbows, but it doesn't matter when you're experiencing the hurdles of life with someone you love unconditionally. The joys life brings are magnified when you're living them with your soul mate. Colten understands me in a way that absolutely no one else does, and I love that! He's always been there for me, 100%, from day one. He never judges me or questions my actions, even if he knows I'm wrong. He supports me in ways I've never known before, and he holds me when I fail. He's my number one fan!  Although we've been married for two years already {y'all, that's 730 days!}, I still say that we're newlyweds. I don't know when I'll stop considering us that, but I absolutely love it! I think back to our wedding day and smile. We were surrounded by so much love and support - I couldn't have asked for anything better! It was well worth all of the planning, stress, and tears ... It was perfect. Thinking back to that day now, I am reminded how blessed I truly am. Family and friends came out to support Colten and I's love for each other - they celebrated our love with us! I cherish the memories and the photographs, which will last me a lifetime!  But to be at this point we're at today, I keep in mind that the wedding day is just the beginning. It's the marriage that truly counts. I go to bed every night and wake up every morning with my husband. And I smile. I am a lucky, lucky girl to walk this life with Colten. Sure, there are days when we completely disagree on things and cannot come to an understanding with each other. There are moments when we just need our space and time apart from each other. But those moments pass. We become stronger because of those moments. We cherish the love a bit deeper and appreciate one another a little bit more. 
A marriage takes three. Husband, wife, and God. We vowed forever with God as our witness, and strive to become close to Him each and every day. Are we perfect? Gosh no! Do we have room for improvement in every single aspect of our lives? Yes! But we are learning and living together, striving for a more intimate bond with God and with each other. I am blessed to be the wife to such an amazing man. Every day is a surprise. Every day is a gift from God for us to learn more and more about each other. I never stop learning from my husband, and our marriage is never stagnant. We know that it truly takes effort and that it is a decision to love each other every day. It's a decision we make over and over every day. We choose to love. We choose to share our happiness with each other and to keep learning together. I know there are still struggles ahead. Struggles we cannot even begin to fathom. But with Colten by my side, I know we can do it. I know we'll make it through and will have so much to show for it.  Two years ago began a whirlwind of a marriage. Not a day has gone by in which we haven't told each other the we love each other. That's actually one of my favorite things about our marriage. We say 'I love you' every day, several times a day. And they are not just empty words that you routinely say. I feel the passion and genuine feelings behind his words every day. Not just a few times a week or once a month - EVERY DAY! I look forward to our future, as I have no idea where it'll lead, but I know we'll get there together, hand in hand. I know our love for each other will only grow, as we grow closer and closer to God. I know the road ahead will be a bumpy one, but I truly look forward to sharing every part of the journey with my husband. 
Colten, thank you so much for treating me with the utmost respect and showing me what true love really is. I have enjoyed these past two years and look forward to many, many more! Thank you for making me your wife and for truly making me happy. I love you! 

Life {Lately}

Life lately has been hectic! I keep drifting back to this ol' blog of mine and wanting to fully immerse myself in all of its glory and amazingness {hey, to me, it's totes amazing!}, but then life gets in the way. But, at least I have a life!

 

Well, that's not a good excuse anymore! The point is to blog about this great life of mine, so I need to figure something out to where this ol' blog gets more of my attention! Thus begins Operation: Life Management. Seriously. My life needs to be managed much, much better!

 

Why is it that I have an amazing Erin Condren life planner and I still seem to not be able to keep up with the days and weeks and blogging and living and being a wife and being a friend and being a daughter and a sister and a cousin and having relaxing days and catching up on television shows and providing ample doggy time with Ace and keeping up with house chores and helping my hubby with schoolwork and work two jobs?! Oh, because that's a LOT! That's why. Okay *exhales*.  But wait, doesn't this only get worse with kids?! Joy...

 

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And although I'm not doing so well with this whole 'management' of my life, I'm definitely not complaining! So much has been going on and I'm loving every bit of it! And I need to blog about a lot of it still {it's coming, just you wait and see!}. So, I won't spoil the lovely surprise of what is to come in future posts, but I did post about some of the exciting things that have happened recently, like that time we went to Dallas to support our cousin in the only way we know how - stand out and quite possibly be a little bit super embarrassing, and my birthday was this past weekend! With my birthday came my 30 before 30 list, so be sure to check that out! 

 

 

Some not-so-great things have also been going on recently, and I'm still working through those. I pray about them daily and turn over my hesitation, anger, and frustration over to God, for I know that he's got it all under control. Hey, I'm learning! I used to try to fix everything on my own and in my own way, only to have it backfire and cause more stress in my life. One step at a time. God's got me! And while He does, I continue to pray, because prayer is powerful, and in some moments, prayer is all that I have. BUT, I will not allow for these negative aspects take over my life, so I'm pushing to work through them in a positive manner and learn how to dance through the storms instead of drowning in them. :) 

 

 

I struggle with control. I apparently strive to control every aspect of my life {at least the important aspects}. But I've learned from experience that the way to make God laugh is to make plans, and boy has God been laughing at my expense lately! This is a learning process, and I'm figuring it out along the way, so bear with me!

 

I took to running recently when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry hysterically over something I couldn't control. That's right - I ran! It might not have been for very long, but it was therapeutic! I ugly cried as I ran in the country, with nothing but nature surrounding me, and it was great! I took my headphones and ran. Literally. And every single song that came on was perfect for the emotions I was feeling. Did I know that this too, shall pass? Yes. Did I know that those words weren't absolutely true? Of course. But I was able to release my feelings and do so in a positive manner, so it was rewarding! Boy do I wish I still lived in the country to take to running each and every time that I needed to release my frustrations. But, it's a step in the right direction, and I felt much better afterward.

 

 

So, as with all things in life, I've got some positive and some negative things going on, all which make up my crazy world. I wouldn't trade it for a single minute! I know that the trials and tribulations that I'm experiencing are only going to make me stronger and better equipped for what is yet to come. And I know that I must cherish every minute that I get to spend with my loved ones because time is precious and is not guaranteed.

 

So...life lately has been pretty typical, with highs and lows, tears of joy and tears of sadness and hurt, and mixed emotions. Isn't that what it's all about?? ;)  But Operation: Life Management is definitely going to happen so that I can at least feel in control of what I can.

 

And in other, super awesome news, it's COLD today! Okay, not 'cold', but it's super cool outside, the wind is blowing, and the sun is hiding behind clouds and stormy weather all day long. I'm one happy, happy girl!

 



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My feelings exactly. :)

 

2 Timothy 3:16 {GROW in His Word}

Linking up for an amazing Scripture study group with Vanessa, Kelsey, Faith, and Melissa: GROW in His Word.  It's a weekly Scripture study in which we use the acronym G-R-O-W.

G - Greet - Welcome God's presence into your study with prayer

R - Read - Read the verse a few times, both silently and aloud

O - Observe - Ask yourself what stood out to you while you read the verse

W - Write - Write out the verse, note your observations, and share a prayer for this verse

This past week's verse was 2 Timothy 3:16.

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.

All Scripture...

This is the part the really stood out to me the most. Although it's only two words, they are so very powerful! Think about it - ALL Scripture; not just some of it. Don't pick and choose which verses to live by. It is telling us that we must grow in His Word - ALL of His Word, not leaving out any Scripture. Wow!

is breathed out by God...

God is telling us what to do. He is showing us the way to live out His will and to succumb to His glory - to really reach out and change our way of life to follow His teachings. We are blessed to learn from our Creator, our God. How amazing is that!  

and profitable for teaching...

No matter what stage of life you're currently in, all Scripture can be used to teach - to teach others the way that you've found, to teach yourself how to be more Christ-like, centered, and focused.  I learn from Scripture every.single.day. And regardless of what verse it is, it speaks volumes to me and I am blessed to truly learn from God and to deepen my relationship with Him. No one else can do it for you - YOU have got to learn from His teachings. 

for reproof...

I am very self-centered in my faith and strive to work at it every day. So with this comes the idea of repentance. God graciously forgives us for our sins and welcomes us into His heart with open arms. So should we, too, do this unto others. Do not cast blame and doubt upon fellow sinners. Instead, welcome them back to God with open arms, just as God has done and will continue to do for you.

for correction...

I love how each of these sections of this verse go hand in hand. Correction continues from where I left off with reproof. But I want to take it a step further and really look at myself with this one. In my current state of my faith and relationship with Him, I am called to use Scripture for correction in my own life - in my own mind. When I think I'm right...WRONG! I turn to Scripture to focus my life to be Christ centered and to correct my ill-thinkings and actions.

and for training in righteousness.

Learn to do His will, not yours. Righteousness - the state of moral perfection required by God to enter Heaven. The ultimate goal. The reason to learn all Scripture. Using Scripture, we are able to train throughout our lifetime to live by God's Word and to sculpt our image in His eyes. We are able to truly become Christ-like and enter into His kingdom upon His calling.  This is truly glorious!

What a perfect verse to begin this link-up! It truly starts you at the perfect place - to obtain the perfect mindset to continue this journey of deepening our faith and relationship with our Creator! I admit, I am guilty of picking and choosing which Scripture to study.  But God calls to use all Scripture in shaping my life as a Christian. This definitely opens my eyes that my study needs to be all inclusive. My study needs to get much deeper and centered on where God is leading me. This can and will happen.

This also leads to where my heart has been turning towards: the Bible. Let me explain. My heart has been yearning to truly read through the bible and actually learn what it is saying. I want to have a better understanding of what God is asking me to do. Yes, I attend church and listen to God's Word weekly, but I truly want to understand better. I see an extensive bible study in my future, really learning each book of the bible and knowing who is speaking and to whom he or she is speaking, as well as the time each book was set. I want this. I need this. And it'll happen. Overtime ends this month, so come September, I know what will be utilizing my time. Not only will I have my home back (70 hour work weeks do not allow for much time to devote to maintaining a household), but I will become organized and will begin the next chapter of my journey of faith.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for allowing my eyes to open further and to be set upon Your Word. Please allow me to fully utilize Scripture to deepen my relationship with You and to GROW closer to You. Thank you for the blessings that are the women who have created this opportunity for others to grow in your Word together. Without them, this experience would not be the same. Thank you for such an amazing community of Your followers that have come together through this link-up where studying Your will is a priority. I pray that you continue teaching me to dive into Your teachings and to develop my understanding even further than what's on the surface. Please continue to speak to my heart and teach me to follow the path to righteousness so that I will enter Your kingdom when You come calling my name.

In Your name, I pray.

Amen.

I'm tired.

I'm tired. More than that, I'm exhausted, and my body hates me right now.   

 

While I've seen so many people enjoying vacation after vacation and really living it up this summer, I've been working.  And not just your average, "this is the real, adult world and I have a job to be at every single day" kind of working. Nope. It's much, much more than that. 

 

It's working two jobs PLUS overtime all.summer.long kind of working. 

 

 

Here's what my average day looks like:

-Wake up at 4:00am

-Get ready for work

-Arrive at work at 6:00am

-WORK

-Get off work at 4:30pm (that's right, 10 hours [at least] EVERY DAY)

-Drive to second job

-Clock in at 5:00pm

-WORK

-Get off work at 9:00pm

-Arrive at home at 9:30pm

-Make/eat supper (all depends on the husband's work schedule)

-Shower

-Entertain the dog so he has some kind of stimulation for the day

-Blog (in all of my spare time)

-Spend about 5 minutes with husband once he gets home from work (usually around 10 or so)

-Go to sleep at 11:00pm

 

This happens every day, unless I specifically request off from job #2 or work 12 1/2 hours in one day for overtime instead of 10 1/2, etc.

 

And the weekends...well, let's see.  Saturday, I'm at work by 7:30 or 8 (depending on IT maintenance hours) and work until noon.  And for the past 11 weeks, I haven't really had time for myself - it's always going here or there or everywhere with things to do and people to see.  No wonder I'm worn out! Sheesh!  I look forward to the weekend in which I can literally spend in my pajamas, sleeping in late, and watching movies all day.  *sigh*

 

And to top it off, there are other responsibilities and commitments that I have to stay on top of...or try to at least.  I know that so many things are lacking in my life right now and not getting the right amount of attention that's truly needed, but I can't help it! I'm tired. Not to complain or anything...

 

Thank God for Colten.  Seriously, that man is nothing short of amazing! We have our ups and downs, sure! Every couple does. But without him, there's seriously no way I would be making it through this long summer! He picks up so much of the homelife duties, it's ridiculous. He vacuums, sweeps, cleans, does dishes, laundry, takes care of the dog, keeps up with our financial budget, listens to my nagging about my day, holds me when I'm upset ... and all on top of working full time and attending school full time! He's pretty much my superman ;). I am so unbelievably blessed to be his wife and to fully have his support. He's constantly telling me to take it easy every now and then and not earn every hour of overtime possible - yeah right! I then explain why it's necessary, and he gives me a giant hug and tells me that he loves me, on top of thanking me for all of the extra effort and hard work I'm putting in to earn every extra dollar that I can. 

 

Okay, to explain a little further, overtime at the OAG is not something that comes along very often. In fact, this is the first time it's been offered in well over ten years. TEN YEARS, y'all! How can I not take full advantage of that?! Let me tell you. I can't. Simple as that! It's been available since mid-May and will continue through the month of August (the end of the fiscal year). So I've literally worked the entire summer, including overtime - about 70-hour weeks! But, it's only one more month, so I've got to kick it in gear, find some energy from somewhere, and push through this last month.  And for those that don't know, in order to earn overtime, you've got to work the regular 40 hour work week (rocket science, I know!), so that means you cannot call in sick or take a day of vacation in order to earn the overtime. That's right, we've been going to work sick.  But not super sick...thank goodness we've held off on that!

 

But in all of the long hours, stressful days, overwhelming feelings, and tears, I am blessed. I am so eternally grateful that this opportunity has presented itself. As a newlywed couple, we still struggle to make ends meet. Colten is still in school until the end of the year and we've got loans coming out of our ears! But seriously, money is tight. And in our moment of need, God provided a way for me to earn extra income! God is oh so good! Nevermind the exhaustion and burning want to just sleep an extra hour or two - there's money to be made! It's truly amazing what you can do if you put your mind to it. I perform on very little sleep each and every day [for the past 3 months] and I've survived. Yep, I'm still alive! (Hallelujah!) And just when I'm ready to say "enough is enough", I get to earn extra income for my family for another month! Praise God!

 

Along this journey, I've increased our income, leaned on my husband for support and was not disappointed in the least, celebrated triumphs with my family, laughed, loved, made new friendships, and furthered other friendships. Basically, I'm living life! And I couldn't be happier! Well, a few hours of sleep here and there and I'd be ECSTATIC! ;)

 

So, I'm tired. So what? Tired is temporary. Glory is forever! And I'm giving all the glory to God, the most deserving of it all. It's because of Him that I am able to accomplish the feats that I have.  It's because of Him that I'm able to get out of bed each and every day to face a new challenge and overcome obstacles.  It's because of Him that I have such an amazing support system that I can turn to no matter what. It's because of Him that my life is amazing and I am able to truly be thankful for it all.

 

How have you spent your summer? Are you ready for fall? I AM! :)

 

You've got to {Have Faith}

Life is hard.  Who's with me?! 

  As a faithful woman, I believe in prayer.  Some of the things I pray for include:   good health peace comfort prosperity understanding hope specific individuals patience acceptance rain a good night's sleep motivation   Seriously, the list goes on and on.  

God never promised that we would live a life without struggle and hardship. It's going to happen. God told us it's going to happen; not 'if', but 'when'. And when it does, that's when our faith is tested the most! 

So many difficult and tragic things happen that cause us to doubt God's existence and whether or not His way is the right way. Click here for a list of a few of the tragedies since 1995 that have shocked our nation to the core. 

Faith is not questioned only on the large-scale issues, but in everyday life as well. "Why is my loved one facing such financial ruin?" "Why is my mother so sick?" "Why is there not enough food to go around for everyone?" "Why does cancer even exist?" "Why is there so much suffering in the world?"

Why does God allow tragedy and suffering?

The answer is simple: "I do not know." 

I cannot stand in God's shoes with His mind.  He knows all things; we don't.  But it is written,

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. - 1 Corinthians 13:12

When you ask about specific events and want to know why a particular thing happened, we don't get the full answer in this world.  Someday, we'll see with clarify, but for now things are foggy. We have a finite perspective of everything, and we simply cannot understand it all. 

To those going through a difficult time, whether it be the effects of a mass casualty situation, the loss of a loved one by cancer, financial hardship, or poverty, they desperately need the real and comforting presence of Jesus Christ in their lives so that they may know peace. 

It's very well known that when you pray for something, the way you perceive and ask of it is not necessarily how it will happen.  God has a plan for everything and everyone.  You've got to have faith that when it's time, it'll happen. It's so easy to get frustrated and caught up in your own wants and needs - I'm guilty of this all too often.  I just take a deep breath and remind myself that it's all in His hands, and I trust in Him. 

When you're questioning 'why', remember:

1. God is not the creator of evil and suffering. 

God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. - Genesis 1:31

This answers the question we hear all too often: "Why didn't God merely create a world where tragedy and suffering didn't exist?"  HE DID!  Love is the highest value in the universe, and God wanted us to experience love.  But in order to have the ability to experience this, God had to give us free will to decide whether or not to love.  Love always involves a choice.  As humans, we've abused our free will by rejecting God and walking away from Him.  Enter, evil. 

2. Though suffering isn't good, God can use it to accomplish good.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

This is God's promise that he will cause good to emerge, not that he causes evil and suffering. If we're committed to following Him, he promises that good will come of every bad and terrible situation.  Think about it, when you're completely encompassed in tragedy, grief, and anger, do you think to yourself, "Hey, it's okay because I know that good will become of this situation.  I know I will better because I have experienced this pain." The answer 90% of the time is no.  Of course you don't. You are so terribly hurt and are grieving that you do not see outside of that particular situation - sometimes for years to come. But God does - He knows that experiencing what you did will cause you to become better because of it, if not only stronger to deal with the next wave of suffering. 

3. The day is coming when suffering will cease and God will judge evil.

The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. - 2 Peter 3:9

The Bible says that the story of this world is not over yet.  The day will come when sickness and pain will be eradicated and people will be held accountable for the evil they've committed.  (and here comes my all-time favorite sentence...) Justice will be served in a perfect way.  That day will come, but not yet.  Why? Well, God is waiting for US. He is holding out that more will come to follow His will and spend eternity in Heaven.  We are still a work in progress, people!  This also reminds us that life is short and is very fragile.  We've all seen it! We have got to have faith and live our lives even amongst the pain and suffering.  You never know when your last day will be your last.

4. Our suffering will pale in comparison to what God has in store for his followers.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. - 2 Corinthians 4:17

Now, that's pretty heavy.  But when you put your bad days into context, they aren't worth comparing with the 'eternity of blessings and joy' you are to experience. God promises a time with no more tears, no more heartache, no more agony when we will be reunited with God in perfect harmony, forever. 

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him. - 1 Corinthians 4:9

5. We decide whether to turn bitter or turn to God for peace and courage.

I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. But be courageous! I have conquered the world. - John 16:33

I've personally seen the same (or near similar) set of circumstances cause one person to reject God and become bitter and another to turn to God and become more gentle and loving.  That's right, we get to decide. Are you going to let what is currently happening momentarily in your life fill your heart with hatred and turn away from God?  Or are you going to allow it to fill your heart with peace and comfort knowing that it was God's will to be done?  Again, you get to decide. 

God offers us two things we need when we're hurting: peace to deal with our present and courage to deal with our future. Check out this excerpt:

Through His own suffering and death, He has deprived this world of its ultimate power over you. Suffering doesn’t have the last word anymore. Death doesn’t have the last word anymore. God has the last word!

How amazing! That definitely lifts my spirit when I'm in a dark place. Suffering is a personal problem; it demands a personal response.  My response is that you've got to have faith.  Salvation comes from knowing Christ personally and receiving His provision for YOUR sin and YOUR future. It comes from making him YOUR Savior, by asking Him to forgive YOUR every sin, and by asking Him to lead YOUR life. 

This post was inspired by and references a message delivered by Lee Strobel at Cherry Hills Community Church in Highlands Ranch, Colorado.