About this time of the year is when it really hits me HARD that my granny is no longer with us. I know she is in a better place and everything, but I miss her endlessly and wish I had more time with her. We didn't always see eye to eye (but then again, I was in junior high/high school and didn't know much better), but I know we had a special bond that will never be taken from me. She was always there when I needed her, and she was even there when I didn't KNOW I needed her, but she knew. She had things about her that not everyone liked, but I know that my family was always glad she was there.
This year is especially hard, and I honestly didn't realize it at first. Being in a new apartment where I have room for a tree, I needed a Christmas tree to put up. So, I talked to my cousin, and now the Christmas tree that I use is the one my grandma used for so many years. You can definitely tell it's been through a lot of wear and tear, but it's nothing a few strings of lights and whatnot can't fix. Seeing it up in my apartment every day kind of ate away at me until I realized what was wrong. I miss seeing it put up in her house and looking forward to everyone being crammed in her living room so we can open gifts. The holidays are hard without her, as I'm sure they're hard for any family that has suffered a loss.
I have many of her things up around my apartment so that I am constantly reminded of her, but the holidays are just the worst. I miss my granny and I just really wish I had more time with her so that I could express just how much she meant to me, because I know as a kid, I didn't show her as much as I should have....but then again, I was a kid! Seeing her in the last few days of her life was the hardest. And no matter what, I can never think of her and not think of her in those days when she suffered the most. I know I'm supposed to remember the good times and everything, but it broke my heart to see her in pain. But every time I think of her in that hospital bed, I also remember just how peaceful she looked after she died. I was in her living room with my brother when she passed away, but I will never forget hearing the news and being heartbroken as I was driven nearby to the nursing home.
Granny, you are always in my heart and I am thankful for everything you ever did for me...I know it was a lot! You were there for me when no one else was, and I am eternally grateful for that. You were a very strong and independent woman, and I can only pray that I will be even half of that as I grow up. I will never forget you! You touched my heart in ways no one else could or will. I love you.
I cherish the ring my mom had made for me in my granny's memory. That was the #1 thing on my Christmas list last year and she made sure I got it. I now wear that ring daily on a chain around my neck so that her memory is as close to my heart as possible.