this is {NOT} a happy post.

So this is exactly how I'm feeling today.       Surprise, surprise.  I'm stressed.  Angry.  Upset.  Mad.  Frustrated.  And just about any other synonym you can think of to match these.   Why?   Because life is hard.  Life isn't fair.     I know this.  But that doesn't mean I can accept it every single day.  Nope.  That means I'm human and that today is 'one of those days'.    I struggle every day.  I try so hard to stay on top of EVERYTHING.  And it still all manages to fly out of control and out of my hands.  Maybe it's just the need for me to be in control?  Maybe.  But today, I just want to break.  Today, I want to go home, change into the comfiest clothes I own, hug my pillow, and cry.     I really try my best to be optimistic.  I know that everyone is different and that good things come to those that wait.  I have complete faith in God that everything will be alright and that 'this too, shall pass'.  But all I want to do right now...right this very second...is cry.  Cry and scream and yell and take out all of my frustrations on something ... maybe a green plastic cup - it seems to be working for her up there!     I don't want to run away from my problems.  I want to face them head on, and I am.  But my problems are bigger than me today.       What about me?  When is it going to be my turn?  When will I be able to make my dreams come true?  When can I have some fun?  Why can't I go on a trip or vacation?  Why is it that no matter how hard we try, budget, plan ... that we're still only barely floating above water?      I work tirelessly and endlessly and think that it will make a difference.  Day after day, week after week, and month after month - it doesn't.    Now this is where everyone is thinking that I should be thankful for what I have and that my time is coming.  I am thankful.  I talk about it here, here, here, here, and here, just for a few examples.  I know. I know these things.    But it still hurts. It's still hard.    It's hard as hell to sit back and watch your friends and family enjoy the opportunities that come their way.  It's hard to know that your time is coming, and you want nothing more than to be happy for them (and I am, honest!), but to still have that sinking feeling like maybe, just maybe, it's not in the cards for you.    It's not jealousy.  I truly am so overwhelmingly happy for my loved ones and every great accomplishment and event in each and every one of their lives.  Truly.  I wish nothing but the best for them all.   

But maybe part of it is that I always put others before myself.  I would much rather be hurting myself than to see a loved one in any form of distress.  I try to do things for myself, but then I feel guilty.  I should be responsible and save the money for what I know we need to be spending it on.  I should save.  I should spend my free time doing 'this' or 'that' for so-and-so because they need me.  Or so I think.  Does anyone wonder or care what I need or want?  Am I a priority to anyone?  Is it that difficult for others to show their love, support, and/or encouragement towards me?  Maybe it is. 

And now, by the end of this post.  I'm numb.

I will continue to work diligently and tirelessly, week after week, because I know it's keeping me together.  I will continue to search for answers, especially in my faith.  I will be better tomorrow, or the next day.  And as always, I will put a smile on my face, showing no sign of anger, hatred, frustration, or negativity. 

I know that I am blessed.  I know that I'm loved.  I know that I have things that others may not have or ever have in their lifetime.  I know life isn't fair.  I know that my time will come. 

I know. 

But today, I especially know that life is hard. 
Happy Wednesday.
*sigh*